Starting over from scratch.

Today has been one of those days...a pensive-i'm-thinking-too-much-about-life days. So I decided to paste the lyrics to one of my favorite songs (also featured on grey's anatomy), it's mellow and reflective.

Kendall Payne's "Scratch"

It's a big girl world now
Full of big girl things
And every day I wish I was small
I've been counting on nothing
But he keeps giving me his word
And I am tired of hearing myself speak
Do you get weary? Do you ever get weak?
How do you dream when you can't fall asleep?
I've been wondering what you're thinking
And if you liked my dress tonight
Would you still say you loved me
Under this ordinary moonlight?
I'm so afraid of what you'll say
I'd like to know if you'd be open to starting over from scratch
I'd like to know if you'd be open to giving me a second chance
I used to think I was special
And only I have proved me wrong
I thought I would change the world with a song
But I have ended up in India
With no map to guide me home
The strangest place I think I've ever been
And all this time I thought that we were friends
But my stubborn will is learning to bend

This song summarizes how I feel about my personal life at this moment. Starting over from scratch means that I want to start this year with a fresh, clean slate. I usually don't comment on my personal/private life, because it is what it is, so I will keep this as vague as possible. For the last few months I have been in denial about many issues, in particular, a serious past relationship that I couldn't let go or forget about... or even stop asking myself, What If? Just let it go. I made the one mistake of living my life guided by a "relationship." I tried too hard to fit a certain mold of what a perfect girlfriend should be like- relationships should never be dictated about what are supposed to be expected of them- they just happen. For me, it's a waste of time to compare someone's relationship to your own. You just have to have faith in the other person, take it day by day, and NEVER make promises that will never be made. Sometimes it still hurts, but I only think about good memories... all I can say is thanks for being such a huge part in my life- now it's time to begin a new chapter in my life, without you.

If you continue to dwell about the past, you'll completely miss what's going on right now. If anything, it's made me a stronger person. I strongly belive that things happen for a reason. (You know who you are)- thank you for putting up with me and my antics. You've always been right about (unlabeled) relationships, they are elastic- the more we pull apart, the faster we snap back.

You make decisions in your life which guides your own future. In a way, what I've learned from the past is to seize any moment of individual freedom. I chose to take this grant and teach and travel for one year while everyone else around me is settling down...I have the rest of my life to work (hopefully in a field I absolutely enjoy) so why settle now? I have become extremely independent, open minded, adventurous, and free. It feels... fabulous.

I am lucky. I love my family and my friends (especially the ones I have made here on Jeju Island). What a difference one year makes. I am halfway through my Fulbright grant- and am about to embark on an adventure of a lifetime. Literally, a once in a lifetime trip with six incredible friends, including my big brother Edwin. The seven of us will spend one unforgettable week in a private beachside villa in Bali, Indonesia. Afterwards, Edwin and I will explore Angkor Wat in Cambodia, rustic towns and the paradise islands of Thailand, namely Phuket and Ko Phi Phi (where Leo DiCaprio's "The Beach" was filmed),navigate the clausterphobic streets of Kuala Lumpur and Singapore, and finally wind down (and perhaps win big!!!) at the Wynn hotel in Macau. In times like these- I keep telling myself, "Life is so damn good."

I don't make new year's resolutions-I just keep the ones I have continue-- be decisive, be punctual, be proactive, and most of all-- stand up for myself, my beliefs, and my opinions. I have been told many times by my friends that I am too nice, too forgiving, too understanding, and too compromising. I'm not sure if this is a strength or a flaw. Perhaps both. If you know me well enough, I can be unforgiving, stubborn, and if you push my buttons, relentless. :) Let's hope you never see that side of me...

Three days until I'm on the sunny isle of Bali.

peace out.